The Secret of Living

Seven Quick Takes Friday - Procrastination Edition

-1-

I have to get the graduation invites in the mail. We already know who is coming from far away, they know when and where, but maybe I really should actually mail the invitations?

-2-

We have to decide when, what time, who to invite, etc., and have a small graduation get together for Mac. I'm having a lot of trouble getting into planning another party for some reason. But it's going to be very informal and small and I think it will all be fine. Once we make those decisions, at least...

-3-

I am leaving in 90 minutes for a luncheon. I haven't taken a shower yet. Of course, the luncheon is for faculty and their high school senior. Our high school senior is still asleep as this is his first day FREE from mandatory school and school wake up times. His classes ended last week but this week was taken up by make up exams, finals, and AP exams. All done now.

-4-

Yes, he's done and no, school isn't out yet. Seniors finish early here. Graduation is not for another 1 1/2 weeks.

Nina wasn't too thrilled to be alone in the car this morning. She still has 10 days left. And then another two years, but hey, that's life, and Mac already did his time.

What does this have to do with procrastination? Um... hold on... I'll think of something,  Later.

-5-

We need to figure out which orientation session to sign up for this summer. Mac will be going to a nearby college for a degree in music education (instrumental). He narrowed down his choices pretty quickly and chose this one because he really likes the percussion music professor. That's pretty much who he will spend hours upon hours of time with for the next 4 years, so I think that's important too. Plus as long as he keeps his grades up, he will keep all his scholarships and then he will not have any debt when he finishes his bachelor degree.  This is very important to him since he plans to continue on to graduate school for at least a masters degree.

-6-

I have company coming a week from today. My house is a mess. Seriously a mess. Life has been going too quickly, and I dealt with vertigo for about 2 weeks and that didn't help the situation any either - then Robbie was sick - then... Ah, excuses, excuses. It will be okay, but tomorrow we will be very busy cleaning house. And Sunday.  (Happy Mother's Day to me?)

-7-

I have to file the state taxes and also do some paperwork for Robbie's disability stuff. I figure that will be an ongoing process as we wait for the state disability to kick in. We are hoping for money for respite care as it is difficult to leave Robbie, and we need to be able to go to our small group and date nights. We've been fortunate because we have two teenaged siblings who are responsible and know him well, but the process of them leaving for their own lives has begun. Mac has already told us that he will try to make sure we get to go away once a year, and that's nice, but it's the weekly or at least monthly dates that we need most of all.

And now I need to wake Mac up so he can get ready to go too.

Yes, Yes, I am.

...Yes, yes, I am quite emotional lately. I think that it's time for my period to arrive. Have I mentioned that after a year off, I once again am having somewhat regular cycles? Sigh. I'm not even in my EARLY 40s anymore. I said to someone "bite your tongue!" when she was joking about me having another baby, and I realized that I truly meant that. I do not even wish for another child at this point. (what should not be needed to be said is that IF God decides I shall be a young Sarah, I shall welcome that child. okay?)

So WHY am I having fairly regular cycles? After years decades of infertility primarily marked by NO ovulation and no periods? Sigh.

...Yes, yes, I am quite happy about my elder son's graduation. Coming up 2 weeks from tomorrow. But my house is a wreck and I'm a wreck and I need to pull myself together enough to CLEAN it before my aunt arrives in, um, 12 days...

...Yes, yes, I am quite happy about my husband's summer work. He has TWO jobs this summer - a short term contract and a small grant. So nice to have extra money! But the work to get everything organized so he can have a place to live, plans for us to visit if possible, etc... etc...on top of the graduation plans? I'm about to tear my hair out!

...Yes, yes, I am happy that my elder son has a summer  job. But it only lasts through June, and we are still waiting to hear if he got the second camp job, which would last all of July. One thing at a time, but it's making planning difficult for other things. Like college orientation, and vacation, and all these other first world problems.

...Yes, yes, I am a fan of Phineas and Ferb. How did you know?

Tantrum

I am throwing a complete temper tantrum. Quietly of course. Very adult of me. But it's there, simmering, surfacing at every available opportunity.

Of course, knowing what is going on, and fixing it - those are two entirely different propositions.

I went to take communion on Sunday and I hesitated. I realized how tired, how angry, how completely devastated I am inside. I asked God... is this okay? I want to be able to be in the moment, to be able to say "this is your body, broken for me" and not think instead - why why why why why is life like this? Why can't my baby boy talk like everyone else? Why if there are 1 in 88 boys in the United States with autism - why do I get to roll the dice and have one who is so severely affected in this area. This is definitely the area that challenges me the most and hurts so much. I look at Mac and remember my little guy who jabbered on and on about the digger helper and LOOK Mami, look at the bus, the bus the yellow bus THERE it is LOOK! - and instead I have this sweet little guy who doesn't even say Mami.

People don't get how much that hurts. They say that he loves me, and yes, I think he does. They say that he wants to be with me, and yes, I think he does. But he never says in a spontaneous way - he doesn't say Mom or Mommy or Mama or Mami or even Mother. He does say Daddy - not to me, but to his daddy. I'm glad he says that. Really I am glad. But... it HURTS.

It hurts every single day. I say good morning to my little guy and I talk to him and I love on him, and I know... I know that the only time he says Mom is repeating after someone word for word, echoic words. And that just isn't the same thing. 

I am going to break soon. I have been at this point for months and I can't get around it, I can't get past it, I have no support here, I have nothing but God, and He is God, and He is good, but He doesn't seem to be right by me, because I am not right by Him. I am hurting too deeply to even hope anymore.

I went ahead and took communion. I hope it helped. I know that God understands how I feel. I know God is God. And He is all I have.

 

Pawenting and other random observations

There is a scene in the movie Princess Bride, where the princess bride and Prince Humperdinck are standing before the minister, waiting for him to speak. We all start laughing even before he opens his mouth, knowing what he is about to say...

Mawwidge...  is what bwings us together tewday...

Pawenting... is what wakes me up tewday... and everyday.

Okay that makes no sense whatsoever... until you find out that Robbie has discovered that Mac put a couple of movies on the Ipad when we were going on our long Christmas trip. So he keeps playing one of the movies over and over again. We're not sure why he loves it so much, but yes, my 8 yo has seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail from start to end. His favorite scene appears to be anything with background music - and of course, anytime they are "riding horses" with the clip clop of the coconuts providing the sound of the horses.

Anyway, the Impressive Clergyman of the Princess Bride is Peter Cook, and we always try to remember who he is, often mistaking him for one of the people in Monty Python. But he's not. I just read a brief bio of him and learned a lot about him, including that he was a big influence on the people in Monty Python.

All those words to essentially say... not much at all. But that's what writing a blog comes to sometimes.

And now for something completely different.

It's very quiet in our house just now. K is at a seminar or a retreat or some other university function that he is required to attend today. Mac is at Epcot, if I have the schedule right in my head. He'll be heading home tomorrow. The bus has a few drivers, so they'll only stop for meals and gas. I hope he remembers to study - two makeup exams and finals and AP exams this week - and then he is FINISHED with high school. Nina is asleep, I think. I didn't have the heart to wake her up. I don't think she has had any extra sleep in several weeks. Today is a good day for that extra sleep that teens so desperately need. And Robbie? He's walking around the house in shorts and a sheet. So far the sheet has appeared to be a cape, a hood, a blanket, a toga... he just stopped and grinned at me with his head peeking out under the sheet. The small cat is stalking him, trying to figure out what this dragging fabric is for... and when to pounce on it. 

In the quiet of the house, I can hear the knights who say "ni!"... sounds like he found the Holy Grail again. "We want... a shrubbery!"

That seems to be a good spot to stop typing.